Adventures in a Hurricane

What might the other use be?

2012-02-11T21:53:00.001-06:00

Dress clothes, perhaps? Something to don in church possibly.

2012-02-03T08:45:00.001-06:00

It's like watching a taco eating gorilla watching the Sixth Sense at the very moment everyone realizes Bruce Willis is a ghost.

2012-01-22T01:23:00.001-06:00

Chelsea and I just got $28, a vintage Teddy bear and and an arrowhead for driving some people home from the bar. They thought we were a cab.

A lesson in seizing the moment

2012-01-20T10:20:00.001-06:00

There was a Burt Bacharach look a like at the coffee shop and I decided to order before secretly taking his photo. And then he was gone. Fuck. Never again, Bacharach, never again.

Here's a tip

2012-01-19T22:15:00.000-06:00

It's easier to find your find your glasses if you locate them before taking out your contacts. This will save you from many a stubbed toe and knocked over item.

I just realized,

2012-01-16T08:04:00.001-06:00

That I have a hard time keeping up with bands because they are so much like technology. There's constant upgrades, discontinued styles, mergers. You can't just buy a laptop and be done with it for the rest of your life. You have to go out there in a year when yours is old and meet a the new laptops with all the new features that are all the same in a sense but also vastly different. There might even be some with bells. And whistles.

2012-01-15T07:25:00.001-06:00

I think being around all these mounted heads has crept into my psyche. Last night, I had a dream where myself and a few other people were headless. It seemed perfectly normal though.

God Dammit!

2012-01-14T18:19:00.001-06:00

Two dudes totally out funned me at a Wal-Mart in Macon, MO. I was wondering around taking photos of the taxidermy aisle with my favorite reality show, celebrity, designer friend, Christopher, when the gun clerk said I should pose with a real gun. THEN, he let me pick my own shotgun. And THEN, a customer critiqued my photo saying I should have been aiming at the deer. Fuck. I should have! Or I should have been hunting Christopher and had the gun guy take the photo.

I'm curious as to the consequences of passing through this door.

2012-01-13T14:43:00.001-06:00

I just had a shocking realization about my life while looking at a Land's End catalogue.

2012-01-09T22:39:00.001-06:00

I'm tremendously glad my landlord was a catalogue fanatic.

When I wrote about extreme couponing previously,

2012-01-08T10:01:00.001-06:00

I had no idea one of my dearest friends would later settle down, have some dogs and install shelving units in her basement to hold all the things she extreme coupon. Or, that I would contribute a shelf of my own to hold her dog treats and fabreeze.

(how the fuck do you spell fabreeze? It looks wrong. Obviously, I'm a dirtball.)

2012-01-08T00:56:00.001-06:00

Tired Thadeous was tardy tonight. 'twas due to good reason though. Had some heavy handed hoodlums, hell bent on hustling some hot, young haberdasher, not have happened across his path, he'd not have had to hoof it up the Highlands in hopes of holding the hooligans accountable for their hazardous ways. Lost was all longing for a lengthy, late night's lounging.

Sometimes,

2012-01-08T00:50:00.001-06:00

The distant sound of sirens mixed with the sounds of drunken yells from not so far away bars and old country on the radio sounds exactly like the howl of a coyote.

Do they not have reputable PR firms in the UAE?

2012-01-08T00:49:00.001-06:00

A gym in Dubai had to pull ads that had pictures of auschwitz as weight loss inspiration.

Okay, I use the fancy Japanese toilet at work

2012-01-05T12:30:00.001-06:00

I'm ain't even gonna lie about that, but man, the turbo bidet is too fucking much for me. Jesus. It's not like I've been stuck in an internment camp for three weeks and have shit crusted to my asshole. Calm it down fancy toilet, calm it down. It's kind of a dainty little area.

2012-01-03T10:52:00.001-06:00

The other day I made Bourbon Bacon brownies and fuckin' Chris sold them to some drunk guy for a vodka soda.

The way of life

2011-12-30T22:20:00.001-06:00

I read this evening that there is a woman in Kansas who believes her varicose veins that spell out "god". It looks like "goo" to me, but whatever, I'm not here to discredit her. There have been nights when I too may have thought someone's spidery, blue old age indicators said something.

I found this interesting so, naturally, I texted a dozen or so friends about my online discovery. Not because I thought they necessarily wanted to know but because I wanted to see if anyone would have a funny response. There's typically a ten to thirty percent response rate on my crazy texts. No one has had any outlandish comments about the vein lady yet. A couple laughs, one message saying Matt hopes there's a man in Australia whose leg says, "damn it" or something like that. Which made me wonder something I've never wondered before, are there other people with vein messages? What language are they in? I'm trying to find them on google, but no luck yet.

If anyone ever reads this and knows someone with vein messages, please tell me. Really, it would mean a lot to me.

2011-12-04T03:35:00.001-06:00

I find it rather interesting that Mike seems unable to spell anything correctly on Facebook except for the word cocaine.

2011-11-26T11:40:00.001-06:00

If I were not so technologically handicapped, or differentlyabled as it is referred to now, I would be watching Pirates of the Caribbean. But after blundering around, trying to reconnect the DVD player to the televisionfor at least thirty minutes, I found myself in a heap on my disheveled pile ofsleeping bags, suddenly lamenting my life and all the decisions that lead me tothis exact moment, freezing, yet refusing to move 6 inches so I could reach ablanket because it seemed like so. much. work.* All I needed to do was unplugBuck Hunter and plug in the three little wires from the DVD player. Chris evenshowed me how to do it before he went to work. (If someone feels compelled to show youhow to plug in three wires, they are doing so because they know you won’t beable to figure it out on your own.) I was so confident in my ability to do it too. I’ve also managedto lose one of the metal bits at the end of the white wire. I have no ideawhere that went. I looked everywhere with a flashlight. My only guess is thatit may be lodged in either the television or the DVD player and we may need topurchase a new television, a new DVD player or both. I’m going to have to tellhim this news when he gets home at 5am or whatever odd hour of the night hegets here. I imagine the conversation to be as follows:

What did you do?

I don’t know.**

How do you not know?

I don’t know! I don’t know what happened. It’s all fuckedup. At first the picture was there but there was no sound, so I starting movingthings around and then there was sound but I could never get the picture backand at some point in time I noticed the metal thingy was missing so I figuredthat was part of the problem but then I couldn’t find it and then I was justlying on the floor, listening to the Pirates of the Caribbean menu music loopover and over and over again.

Now that I think of it, that conversation probably won’thappen. He was probably thinking to himself, after he showed me how to do it,“she’s totally going to fuck this up.” He may even be at work, slightlyconcerned that I have electrocuted myself and/or burned the house down in theprocess. Plus, he can probably fix whatever I’ve done in less than a minute. Ijust make it sound like there are sparks shooting out of the damn thing,because that’s how I perceive the situation in my mind.

*If you ever find yourself in one of these situations, tryputting into words exactly what it is you are doing and you will most likelysee the absurdity in it.

**Which is completely accurate. I haven’t the slightest ideaas to the events that led to the entertainment system massacre or even what myrole in any of this was. I believe some unknown person, quite possibly mybrother, is following me around throughout my life and sabotaging myelectronics while I’m sleeping.

Update: It is now 6:30 am and the situation is remedied. Ittook about 30 seconds. I need to add additional statements to the aboveconversation for accuracy sake.

What happened to the metal thing?

I don’t know! It was just gone!

Dirty, Polygamist Scarecrows!

2011-11-24T15:56:00.001-06:00

Where's Jerry Fallwell? We should be picketing this house! Think of the message it sends to the children!

2011-11-23T13:44:00.001-06:00

Watching the cat, who I feed, try to eat the birds and squirrels, who I also feed, and feeling a tad like Marcus Aurelius as the plight for survival plays out in my backyard.

2011-11-23T08:53:00.001-06:00

Something struck me as odd when I read the headline, "Latin Grammy winners campaign against human trafficking". Not because anyone should be in favor of human trafficking, or even anything shy of appalled by it for that matter, but simply because it seems like a such an arbitrary pairing. Like, "Kansas school children campaign for disappearing salamanders in the Congo". What does the price of tea have to do with human slavery? Oh, wait. Those two things do actually, kinda go together.

Frankly, if you are a Rush fan, your spouse has every right to cheat on you. It's probably even grounds for divorce in Myanmar or something.

2011-11-08T21:58:00.001-06:00

Steve Beshear was re-elected as governor of my new home state, KY. I don't know anything about him yet, but I have a friend named Stephen Beishir and I like him, so I totally would have voted for him. Unless I found out he's a Rush fan. I have a hard time trusting Rush fans. Anyone that can sit there with a straight face and tell me that they actually find the shrill, feminine aural assault that is Geddy Lee's voice raises my inner "fucking liar" meter far more than some philandering aging, (probably) white dude. That's actually not shocking to me at all. It's expects actually. His wife is probably a wretched bitch who hasn't had an orgasm (with someone else in the room) in decades because he's a selfish bastard that rolls over after three minutes of frantic grunting and passes out with sweat beaded up on his bald spot.

Yes!

2011-10-06T19:55:00.001-05:00

Someone found my blog by googling, "ugly ass turtle". So far, that is my favorite thing that has happened today!

Dear Westboro Baptist Church,

2011-10-06T19:47:00.001-05:00

I'm so sick of you picketing every famous funeral. If you're going to be a media circus that exists solely because you jump on the bandwagon of another much larger, much more culturally significant media circus, you could at least employ a little bit of creativity about it. You are a schtick. A one trick pony. I'm bored with your nonsense. So bored, I'm not even offended anymore.

I know it started with the "gay" thing, but I am fairly certain that Steve Jobs was married with children and I know that Ryan Dunn was straight. You are grasping at fame straws at this point. I started to read the article in an attempt to discern why you are picketing Steve Jobs and decided I would not give you the satisfaction of caring why you are allegedly picketing because l know, as well as you do it's because you like the media more than you care about righteousness or anything remotely resembling human decency. I'm not religious but I also don't go masquerading around in my moral superiority suit to get attention. Where was the outrage about Jobs and his alleged demonic tendencies prior to his famed bodily demise? You and Paris Hilton are one and the same. Actually, you're not. She's far more upfront about what she's up to.

2011-10-01T15:58:00.001-05:00

While working on the crossword puzzle this afternoon, I encountered the clue, "frumpy loner, stereotypically". Cat lady?

I don't know what my soup is trying to tell me,

2011-09-16T02:08:00.000-05:00

But I think it's important. Maybe it's attempting to give me the coordinates of a buried treasure via bamboo shoots and black eyed peas.

I imagine, if you were ever able to blow a greek god,

2011-09-16T02:03:00.000-05:00

This is what it would look like.

2011-09-10T21:43:00.000-05:00

My ten year old former roommate that I'm babysitting, "why don't other people know that religion was made up by other people?"

Responses when I texted this to friends are as follows:

"Are you babysitting L. Ron Hubbard's bastard love-child?"

"Because they are idiots. And most people want to be told what to do"

"Tell her that she's to old for accidental witticisms, and should move on to David Foster Wallace short stories..."

"That kid sounds so amazing. Im watching hall pass with 5 17 year olds. I hate my life. Are you moving in with Tessa?"

"Seems normal"

"Time to purchase the tao of pooh."

"That's awesome. I love kids like that. All my nephews talk about is Mario Bros and Legos"

"He has a good point..."

2011-09-06T19:32:00.000-05:00

I made it through the San Francisco airport without mooning anyone this time. Pants are just no fun. I think I'm done with them again.

2011-09-03T09:46:00.000-05:00

I saw some large birds in the parking lot of the Oak Harbor Safeway that were sea gull-esque. They were picking up scraps. I was instantly annoyed, based on a previous seagull experience when I lived in CA and was roused every morning by a noisy seagull who would sit on the window sill above my bed and squawk incessantly until I woke up, and then simply fly away as if the mission were accomplished. Anyway, I instantly disliked these nonseagull seagulls when I saw them. Guilty by association...

Larger admission for previous entry

2011-09-02T23:25:00.000-05:00

I'm also living in the passenger seat of a Nissan, sharing one spoon while eating dehydrated meals in parking lots with my two travel buddies, and getting overly excited about flush toilets or running water. I feel pretty terrible about thinking, even for a second, that someone else is weird.

I'm sleeping in an RV park in a sand dune county park on a peninsula outside pelt Eureka, CA

2011-09-02T23:08:00.000-05:00

And I'm thinking to myself how odd RV parks are. They're noisy and crowded, especially given that it's labor day weekend, and people have living rooms set up outside. Seriously. Recliners and televisions and stoves. It's fascinating. While walking around hearing the roar of generators and seeing the rows of ATVs, I thought, "this is so weird". Then I realized that I am wearing two pairs of socks, Jean shorts with a tie dyed skirt over them, converse shoes, a cut up t shirt and two hoodies. They are probably looking at me thinking, "that's so weird". Point taken.

My hotel microwave has been the victim of a domestic assault.

2011-08-30T08:31:00.003-05:00

Is there a hotline for that in the Portland area? Maybe it was microwave's fault. Microwave probably didn't cook his food fast enough.

I was getting ready to go to the airport this morning,

2011-08-17T06:16:00.000-05:00

Everything was packed, ahead of schedule and I was about to run to the lobby and grab a quick coffee and maybe a banana, but maybe not because I don't like to eat real early in the morning. Anyway, I closed my suitcase with a quick satisfactory zip, whipped it upright and immediately realized that I was not wearing a shirt.

I was on this airplane,

2011-08-15T05:37:00.002-05:00

And I had the urge to see what would happen if I pulled the emergency exit door open. I am fairly certain that curiosity would, literally, kill the cat and I would die a dramatically unattractive, screamy blaze with absolutely no glory. But I am still mildly interested in doing it. I'm quite certain I am not the only one who thought this.

We stop the crazy little "what if" based impulses because they will either result a) death or b) imprisonment. Either of those options would hinder my life long goal of doing everything there is to do in the whole fucking world, so the plane landed without incident.

As a child, I told my mom about my desire to do everything at least once. She looked at me with that look that adults give children when they think they've said something foolish. Her verbal response was, "not EVERYTHING. You wouldn't want to go to jail."

I responded with, "Uh huh. Just for a day though. You know, to see what it's like."

She went on to explain the absurdity of wanting to go to jail. I didn't care, I was still determined I would go to jail.

I have often found things are not nearly as bad as others would have you believe and, conversely, a great many things are not as fabulous as described. Like sex on the beach. I love sex and I love the beach yet sex+beach=you having to vacuum three pounds of sand out of the carpet in your apartment after it falls out of its little hiding spot in your jacket hood. Not to mention the thirty minute shower you're going to take to get the sand out of your hair, your ass and all your other business.

At the time, it was really funny

2011-08-14T11:05:00.000-05:00

To bring a life sized cut out of two men home and climb into bed with it to surprise Chris when he got home from work. And it was really funny. Here, look, there's a picture. See, funny. I wish I had a picture of the three of us sleeping in bed together, but I couldn't take one by myself. I also wish I had a video of him getting home and seeing it, but I fell asleep. That probably added to the funny factor. There aren't many guys who can say they found their girlfriend asleep in their bed with two dudes and laughed about it.

But, as it turns out, there was a time limit to the humor. Because as others may know, when you take home two guys from the bar, they are really only fun for a couple of hours. Then you're just like, "get the fuck out of the way! I'm trying to fold my laundry." I mean it's a small room and there are already two people living in it.

Chris started a blog today

2011-08-13T14:14:00.000-05:00

Called things that may or may not have happened. There is already a www.thingsthatmayormaynothavehappened.blogspot.com. So I looked it up to see if it was funny. There are zero posts. Some dude named Mike created a blog for no apparent reason. I am now its only follower, also for no apparent reason. I encourage anyone who reads this to follow it as well. I want Mike to be as confused by the barrage of unexplained followers as I am by his nonblog blog. Maybe he will finally write something or delete his account.

I should totally learn Kung Fu.

2011-08-12T00:52:00.000-05:00

You probably thought I would have some long winded, philosophical reason for doing so. I don't, I just think it would be fucking sweet.

My wallet may or may not have gotten stolen from the yoga studio tonight

2011-08-11T20:44:00.001-05:00

In the beginning I was pretty calm but I felt bad thinking that someone stole it. That's a pretty mean thing to think about people. Especially since I have the awareness of someone who is blind, deaf and lacking a sense of smell. Sorry if you any of you are affected by that condition. Honestly, you probably keep better track of your shit than I do. Anyway, my point is this, I could very well have dropped it. I hate to assume that someone stole it if I can't be 100% sure. It seems so negative. The less I think that someone stole it, the more I feel I will get it back. If it ever comes back to me, I'll know what happened to it and maybe I could even write a little blurb about its travels.

About 45 minutes later, I decided that maybe it's a good thing that it is gone, for whatever reason. I was thinking of switching credit card companies anyway, so now I can get the one I want. One point in the positive column. I had about $325 worth of props on my card and my receipts were in there too. If I don't get it back, I guess I have $325 worth of aprons and straw hats that the stores I purchased them would maybe let me exchange for new jewelry. I haven't bought new jewelry in like 4 months, so that would be super awesome. I'm going to add 3 positive points for new jewelry. As for the cash, I think it was only like $60 or so. No biggie. I have $81 in my checking account right now, so I didn't even lose half my worth. I hear that happens frequently in divorces and mergers. I'm going to go nil - nil on that one. I've been thinking about saving up money to travel over the winter and not having access to my money will greatly increase my saving capacity. 2 positive points. We've already reached 7 positives. I think I'll stop here because we all get the point.

Life can only had you lemons if you let it. Just cross your arms behind your back, clench your teeth and duck if it tries. If you play soccer or were ever in to headbutting people, or objects, I won't discriminate, you can probably deflect them with your forehead. I guess you could catch the lemons with you little paws, throw them back and say, "fuck those lemons! I didn't ask for lemons!". As I mentioned, I just did yoga so I'm not feeling that aggressive.

I just found out that Playtex gentle glide has not one but three Pandora stations

2011-08-11T20:25:00.001-05:00

They are named Empowered, Chill and Bubbly.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say that I think every tampon/maxi pad ad campaign I have ever seen is horrifying and I wish they had never been made. Why are you pouring some weird, blue fluid out of a scientific beaker onto a maxi pad? More to the point though, everyone knows what tampons are used for. Advertising is best used to convince people to buy things they don't really need. Don't waste your money convincing me to buy a product that I have to buy already. I feel the same about toilet paper ads. No one buys your product because you have little cartoon bears wiping their fictitious asses with it. They buy it (or steal it from work) because they actually need to wipe their asses.

I work in advertising, so it goes against all rational that I would suggest a company not "waste" money on advertising. I should be encouraging to waste more money because that's how I get paid. I should shut up and be happy that 50 or more people are able to put their kids through college (or buy all the hookers they can handle on their month long vacation to Thailand), and I will do so, as soon as you fuckers come up with better sanitary product advertisements. Don't try to invoke some, "get It girl" attitude in me by giving my menstrual cycle personalities like empowered, chill or bubbly, or I will throw a bloody tampon at your Acura.

So when I was pulling away from the ATM,

2011-08-10T13:34:00.000-05:00

I saw this kid vigorously shaking a street sign. Not the kind with the street name, the kind that says, "No parking Mondays at 3 am", or something like that. Then he started punching it like he was in a boxing gym. At which point, he noticed I was watching him and casually leaned on the sign as if he hadn't just been doing any of those things. I desperately wanted to ask him why he was doing that, but it didn't seem like he wanted to discuss it. I can't think of a good explanation for this behavior. It's not likely to alter any portion of my life, but it is a question that I don't have the answer to. Most people are obsessed with unanswerable questions like, "Is there a God?", "What happens when you die?", or "What is the meaning of life?" I could not give a shit less about those questions and am not even going to waste my time speculating and creating answers to them, but weird 12 year old shaking sign for no apparent reason, these are the kinds of things spend my time pondering. Fuck. I should have just pulled over and asked him. Maybe I should post a missed connection on Craigslist about it.

Actual Huffington Post article

2011-08-08T20:24:00.002-05:00

Celebrity Divorce: Stars Who Split Despite Zodiac Compatibility

Audible sigh.

So I was at this wine bar,

2011-08-07T21:00:00.003-05:00

And there were two bathrooms labeled 1 and 2. I was quite confused as I am accustomed to gender segregated restrooms. What is one to do with this? What if I have to go 1 and 2? There's no room for 3. Or 2.5. Or even 1.5. What is that called? I don't even know. Ugh. Anxiety. No one likes that in the commode. Fortunately, I only had to pee and door #1 was vacant. But two of us went in there. Did we break some unspoken code? Are you supposed to come out of door #2 wearing an apologetic, yet sheepish expression?

If musicians knew what they looked like when they play,

2011-08-07T20:51:00.001-05:00

Would they still play live? Sometimes I think it would be like watching a sex tape of yourself. Ugh, that's what I look like? Someone fucks that? I have never actually made a sex tape or seen myself have sex, but I imagine that's pretty much how it would go down. I haven't played an instrument in front of an audience in over a decade either, but I feel safe assuming those would be my sentiments for that activity as well. So, children, I guess we learned that playing in a band and having sex are equally unattractive. Seems counter intuitive to mainstream ideas. After all, who doesn't want to fuck the lead singer or a porn star?

I just saw a man walk by wearing a Phoenix Combat Academy T-shirt

2011-08-07T18:56:00.001-05:00

It was white. And tucked in. Tucked in to his pleated, dark olive, wrinkle free Dockers. He was approximately 55 years of age, white, average height, balding and giving off no resemblance to someone who would be as physically fit as the word, “combat” would evoke. I also noticed that the Phoenix Combat Academy was founded in Chandler. Now, as you may or may not know, I used to live in Phoenix and can assure you that Chandler is, in fact, not Phoenix. Not that my former address has anything to do with this seemingly miraculous insight I just laid out. Anyone who has seen the words, “Phoneix, AZ” are probably ably to decipher the difference between that and, “Chandler, AZ”. Admittedly, I am far too literal for 87% of society, but there are a several, glaring misrepresentations involved in that scenario. As much as we may dislike it, your appearance says a lot about you. Mine for example, accurately conveys, "practically homeless, frequently lives in car," or "this outfit brought to you by thrift stores in 7 different states".

I am not a horrible speller, but some words baffle the shit out of me. I tried spelling resemblance at least 5 times before conceding to spell check. Actually, I am probably as accurate with spelling and punctuation as auto-correct. I once attempted to send a text to my friend, who had just gotten divorced, that said I wanted to “give her a hug”. As soon as I hit send, my 3Gs corrected hug to HIV. Then, I attempted to remedy the situation by sending her a text that said, “not HIV, I want to give you a hug”. At which point, auto-correct changed hug to “hut”. I did not wish to give my friend HIV or a hut. Although I imagine that, from a global perspective, a fair percentage of HIV is contracted in huts, so, at the very least, auto-correct was working with a consistent theme. At least in this one example. There are times when it makes up things that do not even resemble any sort of discernible, English word. This is why I say I write about as accurately as auto-correct.

Why do police have license plates that say, "police"?

2011-08-07T00:51:00.000-05:00

It's not like they're going to get their plates run. And no one needs any additional clarification to discern which cars are, in fact, police cars. If you can't tell, the license plate won't help because you're probably illiterate. I don't need you to give me information I already possess. So, in conclusion, if they are going to have license plates they should say something else, like their name perhaps. Or their favorite color. Maybe their astrological sign. Anything but, "police".

It's boderline un-American

2011-08-06T23:48:00.003-05:00

How much I love seaweed salad. I should base my next apartment, assuming I actually able to sign a lease at some point without hyperventilating, on its proximity to a Japanese restaurant.

So I heard this commercial on the radio today,

2011-08-05T19:18:00.000-05:00

It was for some special outdoor shirt that makes it seem, "up to 3 degrees cooler!". Who gives a fuck about 3 degrees. Frankly, it doesn't seem worth wearing a shirt, which I assume is far uglier than, say, a T-shirt, for UP to 3 degrees. Given the fact that the truth of the matter is that it really only seems .37 degrees cooler, but they convinced you to buy it anyway.

My brother, unknowingly, has a Facebook page.

2011-08-02T23:52:00.001-05:00

I liked it. Then never mentioned to him that he has his own page which people like, comment on and upload photos of him. He hates facebook. I think that can be our little secret. You know, me and the rest of the planet, aside from my brother, that are on facebook. He may never know because I bet he doesn't read my blog. Maybe my mom already told him. If not, and you read this, Mom, don't tell him. That way you can call Jesse and say, "I know something you don't know. Ha ha ha". Then hang up and feel good about the fact that you know something Jesse doesn't know. He used to do that to me. And by used to, I mean until a few years ago when I finally learned that the, "World Domination Plan" was just something that he and Hiatt made up to drive me crazy. For two decades. Two fucking decades.

I'm moderately funny, really good at bullshitting and overly confident in my abilities

2011-07-28T16:39:00.000-05:00

I bet I could become independently wealthy making videos of toys with these credentials.

God dammit! (Said emphatically, hence the exclamation mark)*

2011-07-28T16:28:00.000-05:00

If you're in an emergency, especially a potentially life threatening one, there should be laughter and toys, preferably silly little toys, likely made in China. If you're about to die, die laughing.

*I had to add the bit about it being said emphatically because I think the exclamation mark is grossly overused in modern American society and essentially carries no weight any longer. Grossly may even be a bit of an understatement I just couldn't think another word that had the appropriate amount of emphasis for how often I feel people overuse exclamation marks. I even now feel compelled to overuse them in text messages and such because I don't want to come across as an emotionless asshole. It's like the smiley face. I don't like to use those either, but I feel like a dick if I don't.

$4 seems like an exorbitant fee for a basket of shit.

2011-07-28T16:02:00.000-05:00

I wanted to verify that the title I chose for this entry was appropriate. So I researched. On the Internet. According to Merriam-Webster exorbitant means: exceeding the customary or appropriate limits in intensity, quality, amount, or size

So, yep, good for me. I was spot on. Actually, I'm lying. I only googled it because I didn't know how to spell it. I was WAY off. I really shouldn't pat myself on the back too hard.

You never know when you'll need ward off an attack from a tiny placstic ninja

2011-07-28T15:57:00.001-05:00

Thankfully, I always wear my lucky ninja proof undies.

I love people like that

2011-07-25T10:06:00.000-05:00

Liliana and I working at her mom’s garage sale and this guy showed up wearing a MN Atheists T-shirt. I told him I liked his T-shirt and he sat down and before you know it Which is a weird expression by the way because everything that happens is before you know it. Anyway, all the sudden the three of us were sitting cross legged on the porch, eating Chinese food and discussing his life for an hour and a half.

He was raised a Lutheran and later became a fundamentalist. His father was a Lutheran priest who molested his sister. His first wife had a myriad of mental illnesses and would lock herself in her room all day and let her children run amuck. She also, apparently, slept with everyone but him. So they got divorced. Then, his second wife, who he married because she was active in the church and seemed like a good person (not a good reason to get married, but a reason none the less) ended up getting a job being a traveling cleaning products salesman and came back a year later addicted to meth and 6 months pregnant. They stayed together for some time after that. They did eventually get divorced. These were the only two women he had ever slept with up to this point.

Liliana gave him a fortune cookie. The fortune said, “You are surrounded by beauty”. It made him smile.

Who goes metal detecting at 28?

2011-07-21T22:11:00.001-05:00

I'm so emailing him. I need more information. So many questions.

Emailed. Here is the letter. I will hold my breath until he writes back. Even if I turn blue and fall off my bar stool. Someone here will resuscitate me. I think. Maybe I should write, "Please resuscitate" on my forehead with a sharpie before I stop breathing. That way there will be no confusion as to whether I want to be resuscitated or not. Anyway, here it is:

I saw your post on missed connections. It wasn't me you saw, as I was not there. I am very curious what you were looking for. Do you do this often? Do you ever find interesting things, like purple heart medals or Snap On tools? Finding Snap On tools would be good because they come with a lifetime replacement warranty. You can find old rusty ones and take them to your local JC Penney. They give you news ones. Poof. Just like that. Do pop tabs set off a metal detector? It seems like they wouldn't. We can call them soda tabs if you are not a MN native. I like to be as culturally sensitive as possible. Do you own your own metal detector or do you rent it? How long have you been metal detecting? Is that what it's called? Are there clubs for this? Is it fun? If so, can I go with you sometime? I'm not ready to invest in my own metal detector as of yet. My friend wants to know if you arm gets tired whilst detecting. My other friend (actually, not really a friend. I slept with him a few times and he was a total douche) once rented a metal detector because we were all camping at the pond behind my dad's house (there was actually a lot more drinking and throwing bottle rockets in people's tents while they were having sex than proper camping) and he lost his girlfriend's engagement ring. I wasn't sleeping with him while he had a girlfriend. I feel like I should add that so you don't get the wrong impression about your potential metal detection buddy. Anyway, he rented a metal detector from the Grand Rental Station, but much to his dismay, was never able to find the ring. Did something like that cause you to go metal detecting on a Thursday? I assume, because I've already made a lot of assumptions at this point and I see no need to cease, that you are a respectable man and that you did not post a missed connection during a search for a lost engagement ring. I hope that you enjoy funny emails and write back. If you don't, that girl probably wouldn't want to date you anyway. Women like dudes that are funny.

Sincerely,
Sarah

So grocery store clerk,

2011-07-17T21:43:00.000-05:00

How did a simple purchase end in you saying not to put cheese curds up your vagina. Honey, you went from point A to point where the fuck are you. I have met some weird ass people in my day, you are up there.

Microwave doesn't give a shit

2011-07-17T21:40:00.001-05:00

Microwave says, "pfff, whatever".

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm pretty sure I'll make it there in one piece

2011-07-16T15:17:00.000-05:00

I left my friend's cabin to go to wedding with no directions other than the vague recollection that the road I'm looking for has a 7 in it. Yet, I'm oddly confident that I will find it. I also have no idea how to get back to her cabin because I forgot to look at the name of the road it was on when I left. I'm only fairly certain I will be able to make it back there. I wish I had lived in a time without cell phones and McDonalds. I would love to known if I could have traversed the Oregon Trail all on my own.

That, my friend, is not a rice crispy treat.

2011-07-11T22:36:00.000-05:00

That is a rice crispy brick. You could feed a family of four for two days on that fucking thing. Or use it to fend off a sexual assault in an empty parking garage. (for some reason, that's where I imagine rape occurs). You could probably hike the entire Appalachian Trail with that as your sole source of nutrients were it not for the fact that bears really like sugar. I hear people often get attacked if they have Snickers bars on them. Didn't think you were going to learn any tidbits about backwoods survival when you started reading this, did you?

That's precisely the statement I want my toenails to make this summer

2011-07-11T22:18:00.000-05:00

Just woke up and was apparently having some kind of spiritual communion with Albert Einstein's hair stylist

2011-07-08T18:46:00.000-05:00

While driving through farm country

2011-07-06T16:28:00.000-05:00

I passed a dilapidated house with a, "Dollhouses for Sale" sign. That house is either full of dead bodies or six dozen cats.

Holy fucking hell!

2011-06-23T17:00:00.000-05:00

I feel like I just got waxed with an assault rifle. That chick is not fucking around. Good god woman, do you win a prize if you get it done on under 3.2 minutes?

I was just watching the miracle socks infomercial

2011-06-23T14:56:00.001-05:00

And one if the highlighted features of this product was that they, "fit any shoe!". Are there socks being sold somewhere in the world that do not fit in shoes? If you put on your socks and you shoe doesn't fit, it the shoe is the offender and not the poor, innocent sock who never did anything to anyone. It's shoes that are the enemy. They're the ones who give you blisters and stinky toes. Not the amiable little socks.

2011-06-23T14:31:00.000-05:00

I just pulled over to the side of the road because I noticed two bugs having sex on my windshield. I tried to take a photo of it, but they ran away when I held my phone up to the window. Sorry kids. Didn't mean to interupt.

Relatively safe, huh?

2011-06-23T07:17:00.001-05:00

Relative to what? Are we talking about base jumping or using a stapler? If you're going to use the term relative, you're going to need to outline the relationship you are making.

On a somewhat unrelated note, reading that reminded me of the time my mom watched some Dateline or 20/20 special detailing all these horrible side effects from silicon implants when I was a little kid and made me promise her I would never get breast implants. I recall being very unwilling to promise not to do something, for THE REST OF MY LIFE, at 8 years old, or whatever the fuck age I was, I think I was sitting on a waterbed, so it was whenever that was fashionable. Anyway, I was super pissed and not entirely sure i was able to commit to something which I had not formed my own opinion on. It would be more than a decade before that issue even came up to bat. Why did I have to decide then? I was troubled about this for quite some time. It never came up again, since I'm closer to getting a reduction than an enlargement, but nonetheless, I'm still unable to make promises for fear I may someday change my mind.

Dont get me wrong

2011-06-23T06:43:00.000-05:00

I love catfish more than air, but at 6am, no. No catfish for me. I was slightly elated by the mention of catfish but, then, quickly turned off by the thought of catfish and coffee. It's these kinds of internal struggles that make life almost overwhelming.

Why thank you! I love a cocktail glass that doubles as a sex toy.

2011-06-23T06:39:00.000-05:00

2011-06-23T01:31:00.000-05:00

I just facebook friended 12 Marina carvalhos because one of them has a crush on my friend Matt and we don't have any idea which one she is. I figure the worst thing that can happen is that 12 strangers deny my facebook request. Which, frankly, I seems like as big a deal as having to sneeze. Actually, sneezing seems like a bigger deal. So, that's like deciding which brand of toilet paper to buy. Who gives a shit? Oh, that ones on sale. Grab it. Let's get out of here.

2011-06-22T21:14:00.002-05:00

My Wells Fargo debit card is now activated and accepted at millions of locations that accept visa cards! Watch out world! Here I come. With plastic in hand.

Not sure what's more telling,

2011-06-21T09:29:00.001-05:00

The fact that I had to wash my feet in the bathroom at work because they were dirty from jumping in a moon bounce and running around barefoot, or the fact that it took me an hour and a half to even notice my feet were dirty.

When you wake up with a wicked case of cotton mouth,

2011-06-21T08:26:00.000-05:00

Do not, I repeat, do not eat a hard boiled egg.

I hate to break it to you honey,

2011-06-17T10:06:00.002-05:00

But it it is impossible to look like a bad ass when you have a BBQ sauce stain all down the front of that white tshirt. Fact. Nothin personal, no one else could pull it off either.

So the bus driver says to me,

2011-06-04T14:02:00.001-05:00

"Girl you'd lose that hat if it wasn't on your head."

So I say to the bus driver, "Marv! I already did last night at Walgreens".

"How?"

"Well, I took it off to try on this crazy shirt for Christopher and forgot to put it back on my head".

2011-06-04T13:44:00.001-05:00

My do not disturb sign falls off every time I open the damn door. God it's hard being an American. Right? I mean, fuck, they don't have to put up with shit like this in Uganda I bet.

So the other night at work,

2011-06-04T09:41:00.000-05:00

I was at Wal-Mart at 1am purchasing ziplock bags, Emergen-C and vodka with a former reality show star when we discovered aquarium, stripper baby opposite the checkout counter. It certainly made my night and quite possibly my year. I almost feel that everything in my life was just a lead in to that moment.

How very, very curious

2011-05-31T20:33:00.000-05:00

Apparently, there is some sort of burrowing rodent that inhabits my hotel room comforter.

2011-05-31T20:26:00.000-05:00

2011-05-28T22:21:00.000-05:00

I noticed today, that after posting about how much I hate olives, Google is advertising four different olive websites on my blog. Clearly, they are paying attention, but not that much.

You know what,

2011-05-26T23:12:00.004-05:00

I fucking hate olives, but somehow when I go out with my chef friends, they can put black olives in ice cream (which, for your information, happen to be the worst variety of that god forsaken fruit) pair it with chocolate (which, frankly, is another substance I could give a shit less about) and it's. F. U. C. K. I. N. G. Amazing. What? How? Why? Who knew? Little black orbs of nasty that I used to stick on my fingers at Thanksgiving, where have you been hiding this secret, little talent? Yo no comprende this amazing olive/chocolate gastrawesome experience. It's going to take me at least a week to come to terms with this mind-blowing new discovery. What else can I put with ice-cream? Fucking grub worms? Let's try that god damn hat on for size, shall we? Ugh, you probably already did and I bet it was amazing.

So, got this email from Wells Fargo

2011-05-24T12:11:00.001-05:00

Evidentally, they are now on twitter and would like me to join and share all my thoughts regarding my Wells Fargo ATM experiences. Okay, Wells Fargo. I'll do you one better. I'll you a fucking short story about my ATM experiences.

I went your ATM. It gave me cash. The end.

I guess that's what it looks like when a tree has too much to drink.

2011-05-24T10:23:00.001-05:00

Dear Caucasian thuggy gentleman,

2011-05-24T00:18:00.001-05:00

You might look more hardcore busting out your "moves", while drinking your 4 loko had you not been doing those things at a bus stop.

While listening to Nelly in my car

2011-05-23T12:36:00.001-05:00

I was reminded of the time my dad and I both busted out singing "Must be the Money" and he knew more words than I did.

For sale: My, slightly used, right to marry

2011-05-23T11:52:00.001-05:00

My right to marry has been hanging out in the corner, gathering dust since I got divorced. I figure someone should get some use out of it. I did very little to deserve it. Well, let's be honest, nothing really. It was just given to me at age 18. It came in a combo pack with the right to vote, smoke, buy porn and all that other good stuff. I'm pretty fond of the other rights, so I am going to hang on to them until I develop an expensive heroin habit and hit rock bottom. I'm hoping to do this before I turn 30 as I do not wish to become old and wrinkled. Shoot me an email if you're interested. Also, feel free to save my email address in the event that you would like to purchase additional rights in about a year or two, when I am flat broke. If you're smart, you'll wait until I'm giving sexual favors behind a liquor store for cash. The price will be real low by that point.

Sorry, camera is broken so I don't have any pictures. I'd be happy to describe it to anyone who's never had one.

2011-05-20T23:59:00.000-05:00

Never, I repeat never, leave a a box with sushi in your car, unattended, for any length of time. The results are not good, my friend. Not good at all.

Poor little bear

2011-05-20T17:12:00.001-05:00

Conversation with Darrian, the afeminant Marshall's clerk:

Me: How's your day going?
Darrian: Okay. Well, am I allowed to tell you that things are horrible right now? I mean, can I say that?
Me: Of course. You can say whatever you want.
Darrian: Are you a licensed therapist?
Me: Nope. How long do you have to work?
Darrian: Nine. Oooh! I like his hair! Here's your receipt.
Me: Thanks. I hope things get better.
Darrian: They won't.
Me: They're giving away free cake at J Crew.

Physicists! Listen up, you should study this.

2011-05-20T15:52:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how, possibly because I'm terrible with science, but the Southdale Macy's store has done something to alter the earth's magnetic field, essentially rendering the shopper, or in my case, returner, completely disoriented and directionless. I dare you to step more than twenty paces into that store and be able to find your way, unscathed, back to your car in less than forty minutes. The god damn tunnels that the ancient Egyptians created to hide the kings' bodies are probably more navigable than the fucking labrynth that is a Macy's store. In the dark, no less. With no jacket. And no flashlight. While you're sleep deprived, hungover and suffering from a wicked case of food poisoning.

Just so we are all clear

2011-05-18T13:23:00.001-05:00

Alligators gummies are far superior to gummy worms, which are superior to gummy bears.

2011-05-11T21:27:00.000-05:00

I just bought 3 packs of camels and thought to myself, "Wow! That was cheap". Thanks for making that moment possible American Spirits.

Dear Sir,

2011-05-09T18:19:00.002-05:00

It is far too bright and shiny out for you to be yelling, "Yo, I'm gonna fuck you up motherfucker!". I'm going to have to ask you to reschedule that conflict for a more appropriate climate. How does December 12th sound?

2011-04-29T12:13:00.002-05:00

I had to use a meat cleaver to flip my eggs because I couldn't find the spatula. I couldn't find the spatula because it never occurs to me to plan ahead and have the things you'll need before you need them.

2011-04-28T18:32:00.001-05:00

If I were in charge of marketing this, the tag line would be, "You should really consider purchasing an overpriced gadget that preforms mundane tasks with the same efficiency as the fork you already have in your kitchen."

Easter challenge

2011-04-24T15:41:00.001-05:00

Choose 8 items from the Fleet Farm flyer and compose a story about your selections. The following is my story.

In honor of Elbe day, when those two brave souls, Vladimir and Shamus met at the river Elbe, successfully defeating the two Nazi soldiers, Todd and Arnie, I elected to go to fleet farm to purchase all the essential instruments for the previously mentioned commemorative reenactment.

Upon entering the store, I was instantly enticed to purchase a 12' "intruder" Jon boat. Purely because I wanted to be able to yell, "Intruder!" to every passing vessel. Then I stocked up on micro ultralight combo fishing poles, a 30 pk. assortment of gum-ball jig heads, slurpies, live bait rigs and spinner blades. Then, on the off chance that the fishing supplies rendered my efforts fruitless, I grabbed a 7.62 x 39 semi-automatic folding stock rifle. For the low, low price of 464.99, they threw in two 30 round magazines, a bayonet and a cleaning kit!
My 8th and final purchase was a pair of Ladies' Western Chief by Ranger (insert trademark sign as I am unable to do so on my phone) rain boots because no one wants to mess up their pedicure while mowing down fish, in a shallow river, with their shiny, new, semiautomatic assault weapon.

More conversations with Cherokee

2011-04-22T19:21:00.001-05:00

Do you want to watch "Mega Piranha"?
Sure.
I wonder what it would be like to pee off stilts. You know into the toilet.
Please don't.
I won't, but I'm going to when I'm an adult because I'm crazy.
Okay
This is so fake. Can't you tell how fake it is?
Uh huh
I want a corn dog. Can you get me a corn dog?
Do we have any corn dogs?
No, but I want one and I don't where to find them, but you do so you should get me one. I think human meet is better than any other meat. Is that your quarter right there?
No.
Can I have it?
I guess so.
Do you have any quarters and can I have them?
No, what do you need quarters for?
Because I like them. So do you have any quarters?
Yes.
Can I have them?
No.
Can I have all of them?
No.
Can I have 25 of them?
No.
Can I have 25 percent of them?
No.

I hesitated for half a second

2011-04-15T14:51:00.000-05:00

Before laying down "testes" as my first move against a total stranger in a game of words with friends. Evidently, they decided not to play with me.

I should quit smoking

2011-04-14T13:42:00.002-05:00

That way, I wouldn't have to carry a purse. And, that my friends, would be fucking wonderful.

2011-04-08T21:37:00.001-05:00

"God isn't gay, so it's not okay to be gay." What the fuck ever. He's straight then? So, what he's like cruising OkCupid picking up bitches on Saturday nights? Posting missed connections on craigslist?

Sexy Starbucks barista,

You made me a double, mocha, soy (God is lactose intolerant for this story) venti, sugar free latte. You grazed my finger as I looked in your eyes. We had a moment right?

God

If you plan to be in Orlando August 14-17th

2011-04-03T04:55:00.002-05:00

Please attend the annual Turtle Survival Alliance (TSA) conference and learn more about how you can save this ugly ass turtle. Oh, wait, I apologize, it's a fucking Northern River Terrapin and not a turtle as previously stated. Or maybe that's the same thing. I don't know. You can look it up if you give a damn.